How to Breakup.

When you decide to end a relationship, what follows can be a difficult, sometimes torturous series of events, especially if the feelings are deep-rooted, circumstances are intertwined, and the break-up isn't mutual. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but otherwise, an unhealthy and unhappy relationship can drag on for years and perhaps even decades.

Think about why you are breaking up with this person.

If you are simply upset with your partner, you should consider talking about what upset you and focus on resolving it, rather than ending the relationship. But if this same issue has already been discussed, yet nothing changes and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, then breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern. Your partner will ask you why you want out, and you should be prepared with answers. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, do your best to articulate the reasons you are breaking up. If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance. It may help to talk this over with someone you trust, or with a counselor.

Plan out how long you are willing to spend breaking up.
The actual conversation in which you break up with this person can last a lot longer than it should, especially if your partner is devastated or completely surprised by your decision. It'll be much easier for you to stick to your guns if the conversation doesn't drag out. Expect to spend at least one hour breaking up, and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say "I'm supposed to meet John/Jane at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now."

Break up in person.
It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but it can also be interpreted as cruel and cowardly. Unless you are a long distance away and choose not to wait until you see the person again, don't break up by phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger system. And don't even think about breaking up with someone by pulling a disappearing act, even if it's just by suddenly eliminating contact with the person. The lack of closure can be psychologically damaging.

• If you don't live together, break the news at his/her home and in private. They'll want to feel safe enough to respond emotionally--no one wants to be broken up with in public or near family and friends, and risk bursting into tears, or be forced to bottle up all those emotions. While you can break up with them at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will be difficult, and could make them more bitter. If you are at your partner's home, you can leave after you feel you've made your decision clear.

• If you live together, breaking-up will be particularly problematic and stressful; you should have a place where you can stay until the person you've broken up with digests the big change. You can either move all your stuff while they're not home and then break up when they come home and notice, or break up and leave with some of your things with the intention to come back when things have calmed down to get the rest of your belongings. Either way will be very difficult for the other person, but only you know what's best for your situation.

Break up calmly.
If you say the dreaded words "We need to talk", your partner will immediately know what's going on, and that's not a bad thing. You don't want to blurt out "We need to break up" out of the blue, or worse, when you're in an argument. You need to approach the whole thing calmly and peacefully, with a sense of resolution. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know that you've decided to end the relationship.

Expect any or all of the following reactions.

• Questioning - He or she will want to know why, and whether there was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
• Crying - The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. You can comfort him or her, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
• Arguing - He or she may dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.
• Bargaining or Begging - He or she may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the past, it is too late to expect him or her to truly change now.
• Lashing Out - Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this", he or she is usually just trying to make himself or herself feel better. Threats of physical harm, however, are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, stay calm and leave quickly.

Distance yourself.
It'll be difficult, but don't call them, don't go places where you know they frequent, and make yourself scarce. Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself. Do all the things you've ever wanted to do, that you wouldn't have done if you were still with this person. Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities. Your ex may try to get in touch, but wait a while (some people suggest six months) before resuming contact, if at all. You felt close to this person at one point in your life, and you will probably always have a soft spot for him or her, but it's time for both of you to move on.

Realize that breaking up is just a normal part of life.
Yes, breaking up is difficult - but like it or not, this is a normal part of teenage and adult life, and as much as it is painful, it is normal. Sometimes you will be the dumper, sometimes you might be the dumpee. We all have heartbreak; it hurts- but we all survive it, and you (and your ex) will too.

How to give a girl a perfect date.

Open doors for her, and if you have a car, open that door as well.
It shows her you respect her and will make her feel special.

Let her choose the place, unless she doesn't want to.
In that case, have an idea ready as a back up. Try not to pick anything you really like- remember, it`s about her. It does not have to be expensive, she wants to get to know you, it should not be about the wallet- but don't be a cheapskate either.

Don't do anything where you will get sweaty or messy, it may take some of the fun out of it.
You're going for style here- sorry guys, this includes all messy foods "oh man no ribs!"

Remember it`s an investment.
Yes you are paying but whatever you shell out is worth it.

Find out what she is interested in.
This will keep the conversation going if you run out of things to say. E.g if she likes dancing then maybe ask "so how is your dancing going?" or something of the like.

Only go as far as she wants to, don't force yourself on her- that's just wrong!
If she just wants to hold hands then that's fine. Take it slow- even the players play the long game. What you don't get today she might give you tomorrow; respect her!

Compliment her, tell her she is beautiful - not sexy!
Compliment her personality (that never hurts) but don't overdo it or you will loose all sincerity. Casually drop these compliments in over the date.

Be yourself; just an edited version.
She may not be as keen on monster trucks as you or get that weird sense of humor you have so go easy and reveal yourself more over time- too much too soon may give her the impression that you're too forward.

TIPS

• Look handsome for the date: get a hair cut, shower, wash your face, pick clothes that match (looking smart and casual always works), smell nice (don't drown yourself in anything- a little spritz of something is ok). Remember: if you have a deodorant that smells, aftershave will clash with it and make you stink. And no sports wear unless you are doing sports.
• Be yourself- women can tell when you are being fake (well, not always thank god) but it's easier to be yourself than to maintain a "web of lies"
• Relax and let things flow. But be careful with what you say- you don't want to go about insulting her; but if you do, just apologize and move on. It`s the only way out of it- say a quick "sorry, my bad" and move on.
• If you have dinner, excuse yourself go to the men's room and check you haven't got any food on you or in your teeth. Girls don't kiss guys with gunk in their teeth or dirty faces.
• You should always carry gum with you - girls are more likely to kiss a guy with fresh breath.
• Have fun!

Stages of Grief

After a break up or lost you will go through a number of emotions of grief.

Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not. To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.

Review and Painful Relinquishment

If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief. Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.

Devastation
Devastation after a breakup (even if initiated by you) is normal. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.

Disorganization and Confusion

After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings. Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion.

Anger

After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry, Feeling anger is okay, acting on the anger is not.

Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it. There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive.

Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search. It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do something but don’t connect. You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.

Products that will help you through the grief:
Move From Grief To Joy - 6 Techniques To Transform Grief.
Coping With Grief.
Back To Life! A Personal Grief Guidebook.
If Theres Anything I Can Do: How To Help Someone Cope With Grief.
How To Deal With Grief Effectively.

Getting over a Breakup

Breakups can be rough, no matter what. Nobody really wants to go through them regardless of what they say. The loss of a relationship can bring on intense heartache. But if you're looking for some help getting through it and want some suggestions about how to make it a little easier, read on...

Let's just begin by saying there is no magic potion to make the pain go away and there isn't a magic potion to make that significant other come back. The only true cure is time, but there are a few steps which will make things easier for you.

Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively.
Go ahead and think the entire relationship over. Consider all the reasons why you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both of you wanted, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.

*Keep your space (the best you can).
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil. I understand in some cases keeping your space is almost impossible, however try the best you can.

Cope with your pain appropriately.
It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who makes mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.

Talk to your friends & family.
You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. But be wary of friends trying to connect you with another person right now, this is not what you need.

Out with the old, in with the new.
A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.

Remove memory triggers.
There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space.

Find happiness in other areas of your life.
Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, or signing up for that class you've always wanted to take. Remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well. Enjoy Being Single!

Stay active.
Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.

Let go.
Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time. You are better than them.

Be Optimistic.
Change your thinking; that will help change the way you feel. Soon enough you'll be feeling released and free, and ready to take on new challenges.

TIPS

• Remember that your ex may be trying to get over you, as well. Be sensitive to that, and keep your distance. If you've decided to stop seeing one another, do just that: stop.

• As simple as this sounds, be clear to yourself that you are actually breaking up. Too often the thoughts of possibly being back together will creep in, distracting you from the work of healing. Such fantasizing gradually eats at you and destroys your emotional well being. Accept the truth of your situation, and commit to it.

• Sometimes it helps to listen to music that matches your feelings because you have stored up grief that needs a trigger to help you release it. But beware of wallowing. After a certain point, you're not helping yourself by going through it all again and again with the sad songs. Instead, try making a couple of CDs or playlists that put your thoughts where you want them to be. Sometimes it helps to make a collection of more self-affirming, new-attitude, defiant songs if you are feeling helpless. Choose lyrics that make you feel empowered and focused with a driving beat.

• Keep your dignity. Many times, it's our own ego that causes the pain; we feel rejected and deceived, embarrassed. We doubt our self worth and adequacy. A breakup, especially one in which your partner has cheated on you, can really undermine your self-confidence and shake your self-esteem to the core. Help rebuild your inner stability by impressing yourself with accomplishment volunteer, take a class, do things that remind you of your value as a person.

• If keep checking your ex's MySpace, Facebook, or any other social networking profile, help yourself out and use the Firefox extension, block site, which allows you to block the URL to that profile. Sometimes it also helps to take them off your 'Friends' list, or 'de-friend' them, at least for a while. Even if things ended on a clean slate, it can be too painful to see what the other person is up to. It helps, even though it's hard.

Products that will help you get over your ex quicker:
Forget your ex!
How to get over your Ex Ebook!